I can't say I exactly identify with this stereotypical statement for a few reasons:
I'm not in someone else's body. My body started out like any other person's, yet something with the chromosomes or hormones went screwy and my appearance and sexual function is that of a male's, where as my mind works more as a female's does. I think it's a chemical/biological issue.
I'm not precisely "trapped" by this testosterone-enhanced form, I feel more trapped by social pressures to be a man and being punished for being emotional, squealing when I see something exciting or otherwise being a "bad male". It's 'cause I don't identify strongly with men nor want to be one, I feel I belong in the same group women are in, and I've been indoctrinated by everything around me to behave a certain way and - if I don't - I'm broken and no-one will value me.
Thinking I'm not worth anything because of my difficulties with societal expectations for people whose hormones ended up in a way similar to mine has severely hampered my ability to feel good and happy with the person I am, to be honest with other people and grow healthy relationships with them, and has helped me wish to run away from this hostile existence be that escape through fantastical books, films, games or even my own diurnal and nocturnal reveries.
Years of introspection, self-torture and living only half-way has worn me down, so much so that I must decide whether to continue as I have and eat myself to death while harming my friends and family with heartache, worry and eventually grief, or deal with my less-than-ideal existence by taking charge, opening up despite the threat of rejection and alienation, and making my life as close to my desires as I possibly can.
So much time has wasted up to this point, and I feel I have missed out on so much of life, I don't want anymore to float away while I apathetically stare at it and whine for my misfortune.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Why I consider myself dysphoric about my biological sex
In my very young childhood, I:
...recall wanting to be the flower girl instead of the ringbearer at my Aunt Whitney's wedding. I was barely three.
...had mainly girl friends, I imagine my mom felt that was a sign that I'd end up to be the "perfect guy" or something.
...would come up with games for my brother and myself to play that involved little animals and a girl that rescued them and they'd make a family. I also played with dolls a lot at my friend's houses, I even preferred this type of play to cars and blocks at this age.
...I chose a pink bike at Toys 'R' Us for my 5th birthday present, knowing it was a girls' color. At the time, I pronounced that hot pink was my favorite color.
...I preferred to socialize with people, especially adults, versus playing in a sandbox with cars and such.
...I was very vocal as a child, and had strong verbal skills.
While I was 6-9 years old:
...I was given a "Big Book of Human Anatomy" and I was obsessed with the section regarding the differences in boys and girls, chromosomes, and the like. I found the male genetalia very much disgusting, and wished I didn't have to have anything like it.
...I saw Jurassic Park and my mind went wild when I learned that all vertabrates begin their development as female, and that hormones begin the development into a male or not. I felt that was the reason I wasn't a girl, like a chromosome or a hormone was in the wrong place, after that I was severely bothered by being a boy.
...I really wished I could have gone to school to learn hop-scotch and jump rope and the like.
...I identified most strongly with Janet, the chipette from The Chipmunk Adventure even though my family assumed I liked Simon most.
...I saw a documentary about a "man that became a woman" and was amazed at that possibility, and felt that I wanted to do that too. When I asked my mom about it, she said "promise me you'll never get a sex change" and I asked why and she said "'cause you would be my Taylor anymore". That should have been where we sat down as a family and talked lovingly about it, instead of inspiring thoughts that said "conform if you want to be loved."
...I wanted so much to grow my hair long, like my girl friends got to.
...I attempted many times to kiss my elbow in order to "turn into" a girl like a character in a book I saw at a store near my guitar lessons but could never manage to reach.
...I got to grow my right hand's fingernails for classical guitar, and got to use "nail polish" (really a nail strengthener) and was so proud of them
...wanted to start gymnastics and ballet, but didn't like the boys' outfit and knew I "couldn't" wear the girls'.
...one of my fondest daydreams was finding a genie's lamp from no-where in particular and getting three wishes: one - to be able to fly, two - to be able to talk to animals and three - to be a girl.
When I was 10-12, I:
...read the Oz series of books and absolutely loved them, particularly about Tip who ran away from the cruel Mombi and ended up being the Princess Ozma (I imagined that it was about me). The picture of Dorothy and Ozma kissing didn't seem "hot", since they were best friends, and perhaps I was just too young to think otherwise.
...began to think about romance, and getting into a committed relationship was always on my mind. I was asked to play "husband and wife" by a 14 year old girl that thought my pants were cute (they had really fun buttons in lieu of a zipper), and I secretly wanted to be the wife, while she would be the husband.
...Air Supply became my favorite group, because of the love songs and the ambiguous voice of Graham Russel, the lead singer.
...became uncomfortable of dressing in front of guys, feeling embarrassed and inappropriate, I also started swimming with a shirt on.
...my mother had me try on a dress that she made for my adopted sister for Christmas, and I wished she'd let me have it instead.
... saw the cute handwriting of girls in my band class and started to copy how they wrote, unfortunately, a few people noticed and made comments that made it feel like I was doing something wrong.
...wanted to volunteer to have my privates cut off when my dad joked about making a castrado out of one of my brothers or myself.
...would "tuck" away my little pants package and pretend I had indoor plumbing.
During puberty, I:
...hated the fact that my voice was changing and I could no longer sing the high notes I loved so much.
...loathed the growth of hair all over my body, while my brother relished it, he actually shaved to try and entice his beard to appear. However, I was proud that I didn't have to shave my lips more than once a month until I turned sixteen.
...tried to shave my arm and leg hair because I thought it was gross, and my dad said men should be proud of their hair, shaving body hair is blurring the lines between male and female and God made us this way for a reason.
...questioned who assigned us our sex and gender, to which I was told "we chose it before we came here" by my father and other religious leaders. I felt that was false, because there was no way I'd choose to be male. After this event, I often thought of my spirit as being female since we aren't supposed to argue with our spiritual leaders.
...snuck into my sister's rooms to wear some of their clothes. Even though they weren't my style and some were old and worn, they felt so much softer than the clothes made for guys, which was awesome.
...loved getting dressed in my Scottish Highland Dance outfit, because I got to wear a kilt and long socks, which was as close as I got to girlish clothing in public.
...finally found a good excuse to grow my hair out in Lord of the Rings and my association with Richard Alonzo Turner Jr., the Second.
...attempted to get more "Young Women's" type activities to the scouting program so I would be allowed to participate in the fun crafts and personal growth activities, et cetera. Knot-tying, learning to hunt, being manly were all huge turn-offs for me. The Bishopric said that I was supposed to go to scouts and learn from the leaders so I could be a good father and husband. If only I had the courage to tell them that's what I didn't want..
After I was old enough to start dating, I:
...met a few gay guys and noticed that though we were similar in being queer (meaning out-of-the-ordinary), there was a marked difference in how we felt. None of them wanted to be women, they seemed perfectly happy with their penises.
...was unable to be happy with my relationships with people in general.
Guys didn't really care to hear about how I was feeling, they seemed to keep everything at arms' length, video games and movies were all I could really talk to them about.
Girls were difficult because I was so afraid they'd take everything I do as an "approach", though I actually got to talk with them, and I feel they somewhat listened to me.
My own fears were my biggest enemy though, as they prevented so many potentially wonderful relationships.
...felt afraid people would notice something "strange" about me, and by this time I was so cautious that I stopped being open at all, and operated behind a mask, always wary of people coming too close to me and seeing who I was underneath it all and running away. Keeping people away helped to cement my "guyness" to people, when I really wanted to be close to so many people.
...wanted to audition for the Dance Company, but the prospect of wearing a leotard would mean showing off three frightening lumps, so I scared myself away.
...never became physically intimate with anyone because I wanted to be with someone I was in love with, not someone who merely had a passing interest in me or was horny enough to settle for me.
In the past and to this day, I:
...love caring for little kids (diapers are gross) I've done it for years, and when I keep my priorities straight, I feel I'm very good at it.
...can't have enough chocolate, I'll go through a 1lb box in less than an hour, yet can barely manage to clear my dinner plate.
...dream often of having a female body, and find myself loathing the sun which awakens me to my hairy, testosterone-ridden housing.
...feel personally slighted when negative comments dealing with females find their way into my mind through words, spoken or written.
...am conspicuously naive regarding phallic references, you'd think 22 years of seeing one daily would make one more aware of such. It took four months for me to figure out that "polishing the helm" "thrusting the spear" and "blowing the horn" were penis jokes, and even then, someone had to tell me.
...have never had a "three(or more)some" fanatasy. That's the male fantasy, right? It doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.
...always wanted flowers for a gift, at least once. I could care less if they were merely dandelions, anything.
...would prefer cuddle to coitus the large majority of the time.
-------------
This list is hardly everything, it is what I am comfortable enough to share right now.
...recall wanting to be the flower girl instead of the ringbearer at my Aunt Whitney's wedding. I was barely three.
...had mainly girl friends, I imagine my mom felt that was a sign that I'd end up to be the "perfect guy" or something.
...would come up with games for my brother and myself to play that involved little animals and a girl that rescued them and they'd make a family. I also played with dolls a lot at my friend's houses, I even preferred this type of play to cars and blocks at this age.
...I chose a pink bike at Toys 'R' Us for my 5th birthday present, knowing it was a girls' color. At the time, I pronounced that hot pink was my favorite color.
...I preferred to socialize with people, especially adults, versus playing in a sandbox with cars and such.
...I was very vocal as a child, and had strong verbal skills.
While I was 6-9 years old:
...I was given a "Big Book of Human Anatomy" and I was obsessed with the section regarding the differences in boys and girls, chromosomes, and the like. I found the male genetalia very much disgusting, and wished I didn't have to have anything like it.
...I saw Jurassic Park and my mind went wild when I learned that all vertabrates begin their development as female, and that hormones begin the development into a male or not. I felt that was the reason I wasn't a girl, like a chromosome or a hormone was in the wrong place, after that I was severely bothered by being a boy.
...I really wished I could have gone to school to learn hop-scotch and jump rope and the like.
...I identified most strongly with Janet, the chipette from The Chipmunk Adventure even though my family assumed I liked Simon most.
...I saw a documentary about a "man that became a woman" and was amazed at that possibility, and felt that I wanted to do that too. When I asked my mom about it, she said "promise me you'll never get a sex change" and I asked why and she said "'cause you would be my Taylor anymore". That should have been where we sat down as a family and talked lovingly about it, instead of inspiring thoughts that said "conform if you want to be loved."
...I wanted so much to grow my hair long, like my girl friends got to.
...I attempted many times to kiss my elbow in order to "turn into" a girl like a character in a book I saw at a store near my guitar lessons but could never manage to reach.
...I got to grow my right hand's fingernails for classical guitar, and got to use "nail polish" (really a nail strengthener) and was so proud of them
...wanted to start gymnastics and ballet, but didn't like the boys' outfit and knew I "couldn't" wear the girls'.
...one of my fondest daydreams was finding a genie's lamp from no-where in particular and getting three wishes: one - to be able to fly, two - to be able to talk to animals and three - to be a girl.
When I was 10-12, I:
...read the Oz series of books and absolutely loved them, particularly about Tip who ran away from the cruel Mombi and ended up being the Princess Ozma (I imagined that it was about me). The picture of Dorothy and Ozma kissing didn't seem "hot", since they were best friends, and perhaps I was just too young to think otherwise.
...began to think about romance, and getting into a committed relationship was always on my mind. I was asked to play "husband and wife" by a 14 year old girl that thought my pants were cute (they had really fun buttons in lieu of a zipper), and I secretly wanted to be the wife, while she would be the husband.
...Air Supply became my favorite group, because of the love songs and the ambiguous voice of Graham Russel, the lead singer.
...became uncomfortable of dressing in front of guys, feeling embarrassed and inappropriate, I also started swimming with a shirt on.
...my mother had me try on a dress that she made for my adopted sister for Christmas, and I wished she'd let me have it instead.
... saw the cute handwriting of girls in my band class and started to copy how they wrote, unfortunately, a few people noticed and made comments that made it feel like I was doing something wrong.
...wanted to volunteer to have my privates cut off when my dad joked about making a castrado out of one of my brothers or myself.
...would "tuck" away my little pants package and pretend I had indoor plumbing.
During puberty, I:
...hated the fact that my voice was changing and I could no longer sing the high notes I loved so much.
...loathed the growth of hair all over my body, while my brother relished it, he actually shaved to try and entice his beard to appear. However, I was proud that I didn't have to shave my lips more than once a month until I turned sixteen.
...tried to shave my arm and leg hair because I thought it was gross, and my dad said men should be proud of their hair, shaving body hair is blurring the lines between male and female and God made us this way for a reason.
...questioned who assigned us our sex and gender, to which I was told "we chose it before we came here" by my father and other religious leaders. I felt that was false, because there was no way I'd choose to be male. After this event, I often thought of my spirit as being female since we aren't supposed to argue with our spiritual leaders.
...snuck into my sister's rooms to wear some of their clothes. Even though they weren't my style and some were old and worn, they felt so much softer than the clothes made for guys, which was awesome.
...loved getting dressed in my Scottish Highland Dance outfit, because I got to wear a kilt and long socks, which was as close as I got to girlish clothing in public.
...finally found a good excuse to grow my hair out in Lord of the Rings and my association with Richard Alonzo Turner Jr., the Second.
...attempted to get more "Young Women's" type activities to the scouting program so I would be allowed to participate in the fun crafts and personal growth activities, et cetera. Knot-tying, learning to hunt, being manly were all huge turn-offs for me. The Bishopric said that I was supposed to go to scouts and learn from the leaders so I could be a good father and husband. If only I had the courage to tell them that's what I didn't want..
After I was old enough to start dating, I:
...met a few gay guys and noticed that though we were similar in being queer (meaning out-of-the-ordinary), there was a marked difference in how we felt. None of them wanted to be women, they seemed perfectly happy with their penises.
...was unable to be happy with my relationships with people in general.
Guys didn't really care to hear about how I was feeling, they seemed to keep everything at arms' length, video games and movies were all I could really talk to them about.
Girls were difficult because I was so afraid they'd take everything I do as an "approach", though I actually got to talk with them, and I feel they somewhat listened to me.
My own fears were my biggest enemy though, as they prevented so many potentially wonderful relationships.
...felt afraid people would notice something "strange" about me, and by this time I was so cautious that I stopped being open at all, and operated behind a mask, always wary of people coming too close to me and seeing who I was underneath it all and running away. Keeping people away helped to cement my "guyness" to people, when I really wanted to be close to so many people.
...wanted to audition for the Dance Company, but the prospect of wearing a leotard would mean showing off three frightening lumps, so I scared myself away.
...never became physically intimate with anyone because I wanted to be with someone I was in love with, not someone who merely had a passing interest in me or was horny enough to settle for me.
In the past and to this day, I:
...love caring for little kids (diapers are gross) I've done it for years, and when I keep my priorities straight, I feel I'm very good at it.
...can't have enough chocolate, I'll go through a 1lb box in less than an hour, yet can barely manage to clear my dinner plate.
...dream often of having a female body, and find myself loathing the sun which awakens me to my hairy, testosterone-ridden housing.
...feel personally slighted when negative comments dealing with females find their way into my mind through words, spoken or written.
...am conspicuously naive regarding phallic references, you'd think 22 years of seeing one daily would make one more aware of such. It took four months for me to figure out that "polishing the helm" "thrusting the spear" and "blowing the horn" were penis jokes, and even then, someone had to tell me.
...have never had a "three(or more)some" fanatasy. That's the male fantasy, right? It doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.
...always wanted flowers for a gift, at least once. I could care less if they were merely dandelions, anything.
...would prefer cuddle to coitus the large majority of the time.
-------------
This list is hardly everything, it is what I am comfortable enough to share right now.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
This blog's purpose is to give myself an outlet for writing and expressing things important to me without flooding my friends' walls on Facebook. I also have more anonymity here and some things I wish to express I would like to keep vague or ambiguous with regards to my personal life, such as my spiritual beliefs and issues with my own gender dysphoric feelings.
I will update everyday (unless I don't) and hope to post Cha-rants often, to help spark my writing ability somewhat.
Perhaps I will even write bits about my favorite things and why I like them, which is something I've never felt able to do in person with friends or family, since they either were unable or unwilling to listen and comprehend my meaning.
If nothing, there may be less unproductive sleepless nights, for I will have something visible to work on.
I will update everyday (unless I don't) and hope to post Cha-rants often, to help spark my writing ability somewhat.
Perhaps I will even write bits about my favorite things and why I like them, which is something I've never felt able to do in person with friends or family, since they either were unable or unwilling to listen and comprehend my meaning.
If nothing, there may be less unproductive sleepless nights, for I will have something visible to work on.
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